Making Chinese Friends

January 2, 2013-

This may come as a shock to some of you.  I am cripplingly shy.  It takes me years sometimes to befriend people.  So, imagine me transplanted to a strange country, not knowing anyone, and with the added barriers of language and culture.  I have already told you a bit about the American friends that I have made here in Baoding, and about my friend Marios that I ran into in Beijing.  And while their company has been wonderful, I have felt like my social life here was incomplete without any real Chinese friends. 

Over the past month, this has begun to change.  The other teachers I work with have always been friendly and curious, but we only talked during school, and often only about the students.  I have mentioned one of the teachers before.  I found out that her English name is Ada (Side note: most English students and people who work with foreigners have English names, just like most Spanish students in the US have Spanish names- mine was Natalia), but only after several very awkward instances when I had to introduce her as just "my friend" or to the head of my department "the second grade teacher with short hair." 

At the beginning of December, I was sidelined with a monster sinus infection.  At the time, I cursed myself for ever coming to China, and spent many hours huddled in my bed watching Overboard and wishing I were at home.  However, as often happens when traveling, a bad situation created a new opportunity and several new friendships.  The teachers I work with, anxious about me during my illness, came to visit me in my apartment and brought me food.  I think they had been shy about visiting me before, but that shyness went away as they tried help me.  I was already close with Ada before this, but I started to get to know some of the other teachers a little better.   Ada and Milly brought me fruit.  Miss Ta bought me lunch and took me to buy a new coat. Miss Li took me to a pharmacy. 

After I recovered, I knew that I had to make more of an effort to be friends with these women.  There are several very noticeable barriers between us.  Language is an obvious one.  Most of the English teachers at our school actually have trouble speaking English.  The Chinese education system is based entirely on tests (more on this in a future post), so written English, grammar and spelling is drilled into students while speaking takes a backseat.  The result is that communicating with the Chinese teachers of English at my school is not always easy.  Their English is still better than my Chinese of course, and after being here for 4 months, I am much better at listening to English spoken with a Chinese accent and at speaking clearly and simply. 

Another barrier is time.  The Chinese teachers at my school work very hard.  They teach for 10 days in a row, and then have a 3 1/2 day weekend.  They have to grade homework and prepare their students for exams.  They have to supervise the students during breaks and at night, while I have free time.   On the weekend they often need to go home to their parents or their husbands and children (yes, even the teachers who are married and have kids of their own have to live at school during the week).  It is sometimes difficult to spend time together, especially if we want to leave campus for lunch or to go shopping. 

The language and time barriers are significant, but really the biggest barrier between me and my Chinese friends is cultural.  In many ways, these teachers are like me.  They're mostly in their early twenties, and worrying and wondering about the same things that I worry and wonder about.  They are thinking about the future, about where they will live and who they will marry.  They are thinking about their job and whether they like teaching and how they can become better teachers.  The difference is that my Chinese friends have much less choice in the matter.  Young adults in China often marry the first person they date, and they often meet this person through a blind date set up by their parents or friends.  Ada met her boyfriend through a mutual friend.  They went on one date, and then they discussed whether or not they liked each other, and now they are on the path to marriage.  Chinese parents also often have veto power over their child's love life.  Ada told me she is lucky because even though her boyfriend is from a poor family with few connections, her parents will not stop her from being with him.  Chinese parents and test scores also determine what students can major in at university, so some of the teachers I work with are teachers just because someone told them to be. 

Sometimes the cultural barrier between us is caused by opportunities that I have that my friends will never have.  My friend Ada has never left Hebei province (where Baoding is).  The thought of going to another country to visit or live is just a dream for the teachers I work with.  When I tell them about my plans for traveling around China, they sigh enviously, because they have neither the time or money to travel around their own country.     

At home, it is very common for people to invite their friends over to their home or dorm room.  In China, it is much more common to entertain friends at a restaurant.  After I recovered from my sinus infection, I started to invite some of the teachers out to lunch with me, and we had a chance to talk more about things other than school.  On Tuesday, Ada, Miss Ta and Miss Wu (the first and second grade teachers) came to my apartment to teach me how to make dumplings.  Even though my "kitchen" consists of a hot plate, a wok, one plate, two knives and two bowls, we managed to make some pretty good dumplings. 

Making the filling for the dumplings

My coworkers Miss Wu, Ada and Miss Ta

I'm not very good at making dumplings...

Miss Wu's 13-year-old sister came to help, and one of the students got back to school a day early.  Dumpling success!

There is only so much I can learn about China as a foreigner on the outside looking in.  I finally feel like my budding friendships with my Chinese coworkers are giving me an inside perspective.